I Let Myself Fall in Love with a Boy Who Isn't a Christian

Well maybe not quite fall in love. I did (maybe still do) have a crush on him, which isn't bad, but I let my heart pursue it. I let myself continue to think and think and think about it. He checked off everything on my list. He was everything I would want in a relationship. Except he didn't love Jesus.

I didn't know that at first, and sure, I told myself I would find out. Yet time went on and I had already begun to like him more and more. I thought, of course he's a believer, why wouldn't he be? I assumed he would have the same beliefs and I had already thought about a future together.

Now, none of this is bad. It's perfectly fine to like someone. I just said to myself, if he doesn't love God then I just won't like him anymore. But I didn't guard my heart, and now that I know his beliefs, I am finding it hard to stop feeling that way about him. Anytime he talks to me or brushes up against my shoulder my heart skips a beat, my stomach flutters, and my face turns pink. He talked about his passions and what he loved to do, and I am so attracted to his joy and confidence! Some of my friends say, "you didn't even give him a chance!" or "it's only dating, it's not like you'll marry him!" or "you know you could change his beliefs if you date him" or "he's perfect for you even if he doesn't agree on this one thing!".

These are dangerous thoughts. God tells us to not be unequally yoked. He doesn't want two people in a relationship like that to disagree on the single most important thing in the universe-Himself. It doesn't matter how great a person is if their religious beliefs are different from yours. If I went into that kind of a relationship with the thought of trying to change him or thinking it won't matter, I would have another thing coming.

1. He could bring me down instead of bringing me up (1 Corinthians 15:33- Bad company corrupts good morals). I could turn away from God if I wasn't strong enough.
2. How could I truly have a deep connection with someone I couldn't have a religious conversation with?
3. How could he lead me and encourage to follow after God's own heart?
4. What I dated just for the sake of having a boyfriend and having fun, but in the process fell in love? What if I married him? What if we had children together? What if one day, I decided to bring my children to church but my husband told me I couldn't? What kind of a household would we have, if the two parents couldn't agree on the most important thing to bring our children up on? It would be a disservice to not only my children, but to God.

These are reasons enough to date and marry someone that loves God, even if you think you've found the perfect guy for you. Even if he is funny, kind, generous, joyful, passionate, and good. Even if he is attractive, exciting, and intriguing. Even if he checks off almost everything on that "boyfriend list". He doesn't check off the first and most crucial part of the list.

A man who loves and follows Jesus.

This all seems so silly considering we have never talked about this together, and I've never been on a date with him. I may be overreacting to my thoughts and emotions when nothing has even happened yet. But that's exactly the point. You have to know now what you will do in a situation like this. You have to know now what you will say. You can't wait until he proposes to think, Hmm, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. You can't wait to decide to follow Jesus' will for you after you fall in love, or after you get marred, or after you have children. You have to decide to obey and be equally yoked now. Otherwise you're just in for a heartbreak. And I think mine already did.

Blessed by a Friend in Christ

Today was a busy day. All my days are busy days. They are filled with classes, meetings, concerts, workshops, practicing, and homework. I live my life hour by hour according to my planner. I have 8 am music theory, then practicing, history, piano, then band rehearsal. Other days I have aural skills, my literature class, band rehearsal, a lesson, horn studio, then a Tau Beta Sigma meeting. I have to make sure I wear my candidate pin at all times, carry my board and binder at all times, and acquire a certain amount of service, signature, and concert points week to week. Not to mention what I do on the weekends. Today I spent it playing at a conducting workshop, and listening the Canadian Brass play! Great stuff, and I learned a lot! Next week is TMEA, the next weekend I need to plan a Valentines day party for our candidate class, and the next weekend our horn studio is going to the mid-south horn workshop.

Each hour of my every day, my mind is looking forward to the next thing to check off my list. I feel so rushed and busy I hardly have time for homework, let alone time to practice, and time to relax and watch Netflix. It's only the second week of the semester and I've already had a meltdown 3 times.The classes are looking to be a lot more difficult and time consuming than last semesters, and it seems overwhelming. I have to read a lot of novels I don't have time for, and write an argumentative paper over something I know nothing about. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breath and make sure I am living these moments to the fullest. Make sure I'm enjoying this great experience I have studying music at Texas Tech. I was also recently stressed about a decision regarding me moving out of my parents house and into an apartment with my TBS family. It needed to be a hasty decision, and I was ready to jump all in. My parents on the other hand, were not, and refused to make a split decision like that.

In both of those two paragraphs, you can see there is no mention of God at all.

My semester thus far has been me worrying about my time, stress, business, important decisions, and success. It has all been about me and what I do, not about me relying on God and doing what he wants me to do. Did I ask God if he wanted me to make that next step to move out and into an apartment? No, I only thought of what I wanted. I live my life sleeping, eating, and breathing band, as if it's the most important thing in the world. It sure seems like it sometimes. Most of the time.

But tonight my best friend and I went for coffee, and while I yapped on and on about my semester thus far, and how I was struggling but was still so hopelessly in love with music, she talked about how she was growing closer to God. She talked about how prayer was becoming an important part of her daily life. I was immediately humbled, and realized how little I include God in my day to day life. It's as if the music building is my world, and dare I say it, my god, my idol. How many times do I talk to God and read his word? Maybe once a week. Maybe at church. Maybe only when I really need Him. Maybe when I'm having a bad day. Instead, I put my faith and trust into an instrument, into friends, into a sorority, or my musical ability. But when all that fails, what will be left for me?

This is why I am so grateful to have friends who love Jesus. Their love for Him is so inspiring and encouraging to me. Having friends like that help keep me accountable in my walk with the Lord. Sometimes in my walk with God, I'll tell God I'm tired, and go to rest on a bench or chair. I'll stay there for awhile, distracted by the things in the world. Meanwhile, God is standing there asking me to join him again, because the walk isn't finished. It's friends like her who come to my bench and remind me that the walk isn't over, and that Jesus is waiting for his daughter to come back to him.

Music isn't bad. It isn't evil. But like many other things in life, it can be a distraction from God. Instead of making music about me and my ability to play, I need to make about praising Him. I need to be the best I can, to bring glory to Him. Not me.

"Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; celebrate his lovely name with music." -Psalms 135:3

I Read Harper Lee's New Book, and I'm a Little Upset

Whether it's for fun or for a school assignment, I'm sure many of you have read To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee. It is an American classic about a Southern white family in the 1930's. The little girl, Scout, and her brother, Jem, are growing up without a mother. Scout sees her father as her hero, especially when he defends an African American man in a court case. During this time period, there was almost no way he would be found innocent, whether or not he actually was. Atticus took the case anyway, believing it was important to stand up for what's right. Tom Robinson is accused of raping the Ewell girl, and Atticus points out that it is unlikely due to his arm injury/disability. He then insinuates that Bob Ewell, the girl's father, committed this crime. Despite all this, the jury found Robinson guilty. Robinson was later shot trying to escape prison. Atticus' patience, humility, wisdom, and fairness was a model for not only his children, but to us readers as well. He takes a stand against racism, even when society tells him he is wrong. This is why, when Lee released her sequel, I became upset.

Not just upset. Frustrated. Confused. Tired. Indignant.

Now, I'm not really sure if her book, Go Set A Watchman, is really a sequel, or if it's just an unfinished manuscript or the result of a brainstorm. All I know is that it honestly shouldn't have been published, because it contradicts the first novel, and erases our favorite heroes and their strong morals and values.

Scout, AKA Jean Louise, is an adult now. She comes back to her hometown, Maycomb, to visit her father. We learn her brother has died, and she has picked up a beau, Henry. Henry is an aspiring lawyer, studying under Atticus, who is currently in his late 70's  and suffering from arthritis. Jean Louise's aunt, who is usually very judgmental, dislikes the idea of her and Henry. She thinks Henry  comes from a "white trash family" and doesn't deserve someone of good background, like the Finches. I thought this book would be about the issue of different social classes and equality between them, but soon enough, the issue of race was brought back up. It's now the early 60's/late 50's, and Jean Louise feels like Maycomb is different somehow. It's not her Maycomb anymore. She finds her father and Henry at a Council Meeting (basically a mini KKK meeting). She's upset and feels betrayed. She yells at her father for being fake, for betraying her trust, and for being a "double-dealing ring-tailed old son of a bitch". Her father does not become angry, but lets her get her feelings out and tells her he loves her. Jean Louise can't believe this is the same man who defended Tom Robinson. She claims that he wants African Americans to be free and follow their hearts desire, so long as they fit within his boundaries. She says that he denies their humanity by denying them hope. She compares him to Hitler saying, "You're no damn better. You just try to kill their souls instead of their bodies." She says, "You are telling them that Jesus love them, but not much." When the argument is over, she goes home to pack up and leave town. Her uncle comes over and calls her a bigot and slaps her. He then convinces not only to stay, but to tolerate Atticus' point of view and listen to other people's opinions. Then Jean Louise feels guilty, apologizes to her father, and tells him she loves him. She sets up a date with Henry. The End.

What the heck, Harper Lee?! You ruined a beautiful character like Atticus, by turning him into a racist and oppressive man. He's not the hero that Scout, or us viewers, thought he was. Why would you do that to Atticus? Not only that, but why did you let Jean Louise suddenly be okay with her father's racism? There would at least be a point to the story if she took a stand against it and left or something! You can't just take a book that students study every day in the classroom, an American classic, and turn it into the opposite of what everyone thought. Are you just bored with your life? Did you sit around for a few years, bored, and just think, hmm, I wonder what will really make everyone mad... well you know what Harper Lee? Good for you. Do what you want. Ruin one of the best books in American history. Hope that makes you feel good about yourself.

Those Pesky New Year's Resolutions

Throughout the years, New Year's Resolutions have become somewhat of a joke in our society. We make ones that we know we won't keep, and therefore joke about it. The minute it becomes difficult to do, we give in and say "oh well, no one ever keeps those anyway!"Some people have realized this and decided against even having these Resolutions. They know they will be the same person this year that they were last year, and shouldn't even try to do something differently.

Although all this might be true, there's nothing wrong with setting goals and trying to grow as a person. Currently, I have 8 resolutions. It's January 3rd and I have already broken 5 of them! After I broke them, I almost laughed and said "oh well!" I thought, Should I give up? Should I try again? Should I only really be dedicated to a couple? My next thoughts were, you're not good enough to actually do these things. You're too lazy and unmotivated to persevere. You don't really care enough about yourself to finish these things. This thought has some truth to it. Of course I can't change my ways within one days time, and of course I can't constantly stay dedicated 24/7. So if that's true, then why did I ever have these goals in the first place?

I'm not saying not to make New Year's Resolutions. I think they are healthy and very important. But sometimes we can't do it all on our own. We can't trust ourselves to make the right decision and say no to temptation when it comes down to it. We are selfish, lazy, proud, and arrogant. It's a part of being human. Despite all this, we shouldn't give up at the first sign of failure, because although we can't do it alone, we can do it with Christ. Anytime you are about to dig up that ice cream from the freezer, pray to God to give you the strength to walk away and do something that will be better for you. If you keep hitting the snooze button, pray the night before that God will give you strength in that moment of selfishness to get up early and read your Bible instead. If you're about to hit that "Play Next Episode" Button on Netflix, pray that God will put it in your heart to want to read a book or spend time with a friend instead.

We shouldn't try to rely on our human nature, will, and self-determination. All this will fade away and fail in the long run. Instead, rely on the unfailing God. He will help you in your moment of weakness, if only you let him.

Let's Talk About Deviled Eggs

As I am getting older, the holidays are beginning to change. My great grandparents have passed away, and some of my grandparents are aren't able to come to my house to celebrate anymore. My aunt just had a baby, and has her own family to celebrate with in El Paso. I guess this happens as you grow up. The family dynamic changes and the people you are with will vary. However, I did not really expect to feel so bitter and sad about it.

I've been remembering some old family traditions. They usually revolve around food, but not always. Every Christmas Eve night was dedicated to my mom's side of the family. Granny, Marty, Auntie, and Erin would come to our place. We would have appetizers like shrimp, and then eat steak, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Every year we would argue whether or not the stockings should be opened first, or the presents. Auntie and I were on the stockings first side, with everyone else wanting to open presents. (Is it really any debate though? Stockings are like a warm-up to the big stuff! It has to come first!) My sister and I would pass out everyone's presents, and we would watch each other open one at a time. After it was all said and done, we would haul our loot to our rooms, and go to bed eager to see what Santa would have in store for us the next morning!

Christmas morning was just the four of us- Mom, Dad, Katie, and I. Katie and I were so excited that we wouldn't even eat breakfast. We just woke up Mom and Dad to open! Although this aspect of Christmas hasn't changed yet, I know it will when I move out one day. I also wonder if the magic of Christmas you feel as a kid dies away with every year you mature. I hope not.

Christmas Afternoon, some of my Dad's side of the family celebrate with us. Grandma Sallie, Granddaddy David, Uncle Dan, and my great grandparents, Grandpa and Grandma Billie, would come over to our house (or sometimes we would go to theirs). Katie and I would show off what Santa had brought us and we would bring down every present we had opened. At lunch, Grandma Sallie would (and sometimes still does) make the best broccoli, rice, and cheese casserole. She also made that pink and green fruit marshmallow fluff, that is dessert disguised as fruit salad. That stuff is the best. Grandpa always made his homemade eggnog after lunch. It had just enough Jack Daniels whiskey in it "to cook the egg". There was never enough whiskey in it for mom, but we had to have the "kid safe" version! One of the things I'll miss the most is Grandma Billie's Deviled Eggs. They were great. She had a special plate that had 12 little curves and dips in it to hold the eggs. I was cautious and wary as a young child; those red eggs were suspicious! But now it's something I miss the most about her. Grandma Sallie tried to make them again the next year after she died but I didn't partake in it. I actually haven't had a deviled egg since she died, until recently, and I wanted to go home and cry after I ate it.

Deviled Eggs are not my favorite food. It's not something that I want to eat all the time. However, they give me a good memory of my Grandma Billie and Grandpa when one of the only other memories I have is them living out the rest of their lives withering away in a nursing home.

I don't think I'll eat another deviled egg anytime soon, because none of them will ever taste as good as my Grandma Billie used to make.

These different foods remind me of some great Christmases during my childhood, and the fact that I haven't eaten some of them any and won't eat some of them for awhile makes me realize that this chapter of my life is coming to a close. Soon enough I'll have my own family to celebrate the holidays with. I guess this is a part of life, but I do feel sad that some of these traditions must come to a close. I wish they didn't have to.

Dealing With Performance Anxiety

Your heart is beating fast. Your breathing is getting heavy. You begin to sweat and your hands begin to shake. Your face is turning pink and all you can think about are the worst-case scenarios. Your name is called, and a surge of fear strikes your heart. As you walk to the chair, room, or stage you will play on, you wonder what will happen if you crack a note or mess up a fingering. Will the judges ask you to leave? Will they shake their heads? What if you don’t make the All-Region Band? What if you don’t get into the Music Program at Tech?

These are the thoughts and feelings of many performers (including myself) before and during an audition. You spend hour upon hour preparing for this moment, and play poorly because you are nervous and mess up. This is so frustrating! You spent way too much time practicing for it all to be ruined in one moment because of nerves. This audition may determine lots of things, and you have just ruined your chances of success.

Here are some sure fire ways of dealing with performance anxiety, and ensuring your best success in an audition:

  
   1. The best way to feel secure during a performance is to practice like you are performing. While you are practicing the music, be thinking of the room you will be in, the audience you will play to, and the general atmosphere of the room. Every time you bring the horn to your face, pretend this is the audition. The practice you just had is exactly what the judges will hear. This way you will feel prepared, instead of taken by surprise on the day of the performance.

   
   2. Don’t over play the day before or the day of the performance. You want to sound your absolute best that day, so don’t blow your lip beforehand by over practicing. Also try to go to bed early, and eat healthy meals.

   
   3. Know your schedule and other details (like clothing) before the day of the audition. You do not need to have extra stress like worrying how you will get there, or wondering where that one pair of shoes are. The only thing you need to be focused on is the moment you walk through those doors and begin to play. Also know how you will present yourself (if you will introduce yourself, bow, etc.)

   
   4. Eat a banana an hour beforehand. It’s a beta blocker and will calm your nerves. (Some people actually take prescription drugs like beta blockers, but I’m not sure how I feel about that). Also have a water bottle with you so your throat doesn’t get dry (but be near a bathroom in case you drink too much- you do not need to be playing your horn on a full bladder!!!)

   
   5. Make sure you have a friend or two that know about this performance and are supporting you! I know getting a sweet text from a friend can remind you to calm down and make you feel a little more positive.

   
   6.Try not to feel negative throughout the day about your later audition. The mindset you have before will greatly affect your ability. If you believe you will mess up measure seven, then you will. Think positive and even encourage yourself in front of the mirror!

   
   7. Don’t give too much downtime before the performance. First of all, you won’t be as warmed up and your horn might be too cold. Second, you will give yourself too much time to think of all the worst things that could happen to you. Give enough time to focus and be ready, but not too much time to relax and lose focus or get nervous.

   
   8.  BREATHE! Honestly, before you play that first note, take a big breath and play with confidence. This first note may set up the success for the rest of the piece. The judges do not want to hear a wimpy sound or cracked first note. Remember that (hopefully) the audience just wants to hear music, which is what you (hopefully) want to do. The audience is on your side and generally wants you to do well! No one is rooting for your failure (and if they are…who cares what they think?)

   
   9. Let me emphasize again the importance of practicing. Don’t practice until you get it right, practice until you can’t get it wrong. This will be important in performing. You will feel prepared, and even if you are nervous, you will know the music and be able to play so well, it won’t even matter. 

   10.And finally, Remember why you are here. Sure, maybe it’s to get a job or make a chair, but ultimately, you are there to have fun and make music. It’s a beautiful thing. Don’t underestimate it.

Best of luck to you and your future auditions!

Living in the Moment

I have a lot of things to say. Unfortunately, I forget most of them because I never write it down and therefore, don’t think about it again. So I’ve decided that a blog would be a good idea, (rather than writing on paper) because it’s faster and somewhat more motivating. There’s something about being drawn to technology these days (but don’t get me wrong, I love reading a good old paperback book).

I think I spend a lot of time looking forward to the moment my head hits the pillow at night, or the weekend when I might get to sleep in a bit. Sure, everyone enjoys these moments, but are we spending too much of our day just waiting for it to end? What a waste of time! It’s almost pointless. I need to look at each and every day as a blessing from God that I get to spend it learning and growing. Netflix and naps are not what we should strive for in life…although it’s great every now and again (or even more). I’m praying God will help me live in the now and appreciate every second I have getting to do what I love. Each day that I just “go through the motions” is a day wasted. One awesome thing I get to do every day is make music. But some days I just play the notes of the page. I don’t actually play musically and enjoy this incredible thing I am blessed to be able to do. My best friend reminded me that I get to do what I love every day, and that I should be excited and joyful for the experience. But I don't always take it for granted. There are days when I get in my car after class, and just praise God for such a blessing. I literally shout in my car and exclaim my passion to God. Several times a week I will just sit in awe of music and just think "I freaking love band." Through this I try to praise God. He created music, and boy am I thankful for it.

I also love to write. I was almost an English major. I guess I love music even more. The past couple days I’ve been wanting to write down feelings I had, or memories of a sweet moment. I wanted to express how it feels to hit the cold water in a pool on a hot summers day, how the chlorine smells and makes your clothes and hair smell like it too, and how your fingers become wrinkly after several hours of fun. I want to talk about Grandma Billie’s muffins and Grandma Sallie’s long talks about God. I want to express the feeling of walking through Granny’s field and watering the animals. I want to explain how the water sounded as it hit the trough. I want to tell you how it smelled when she hugged me and how she made my favorite meals every visit. I want to express how it feels to be huddled up in a blanket with a book and coffee while it rains, and I want to show the smell of the outside when it’s over. I want to show you the colors of the sunset God created (but probably not the sunrise because I’ll still be asleep). I realized today that, somehow, this can be done through music. The art of this is trying to take all of these moments, and turn it into sound. How do you take a feeling, a taste, a smell, or a moment and turn it into sound? I don’t know yet, but it makes me excited to learn more about how music works. Maybe one day you’ll be playing a piece of music composed by Bonnie Bearden.