"How Are You?"

I recently got back home from a trip to Japan. It was amazing! I already miss the temples, the sushi, and the adventure. I miss waving a fan when it's hot outside. I miss holding chopsticks. I miss green tea ice cream and kimonos. I miss learning new words and sentences and I miss trying new things. Most of all, I miss the people.

The friends I met in Japan are the kindest people I know. They are so selfless! They gave up their time and energy to entertain us and make sure we were always taken care of. Their faces were never without a smile. I miss the woman who called me her grand-daughter by the end of the trip. I made some amazing connections there, and learned so much about their society and even their education system and musical culture.

I tried to push myself to learn a couple of new words each day. Mrs. Murikami taught me and laughed at how eager I was. Some of the words I learned include arigato gozai mas (thank you very much), sougoi (great!), sumi mahsen (excuse me), ohio (good morning), muzi (water), and oyah sumi (good night). I tried to use these words on a regular basis.

One phrase Mrs. Murikami taught me was "Goki gen ikaga?" which means, "How are you?" to which one would reply "Hi. Genkidis!" which means, "Yes. Good!" I laughed and repeated the sentence several times. I then asked her, "what do I say if I'm not good?" Mrs. Murikami looked at me confusedly. I then asked in another way. "What do I say if I need help, or am having a bad day?" She then laughed and said, "No, you have to say you are good. It's custom! Rude to say otherwise." I nodded my head and moved on.

This has been something I've been thinking about. I realized it's not just a Japanese custom, it's an American one too. Heck, it's probably a worldly custom! When people ask how you are, you nod and say fine, or good, or alright, and honestly, I think that's okay. It's fine to say fine to strangers you see as you pass by, because sometimes the moment is too quick to say anything longer. Sometimes you don't want to give your whole life story to a stranger who probably doesn't even care.

But we go wrong when we say "I'm fine" to the friends and family we love in our lives. If we aren't open and honest with these people, then we are just moving by, living life lifelessly and going through the motions. We need to tell the important people in our lives how we really are, so they can be there for us, and we can be there for them. We need to have intentional relationships! You don't want to look back on your life and realize you never truly knew the people in your life.

Once I started thinking about the words "I'm fine", I felt like it was a lie. Don't I owe this person the truth? Shouldn't I tell them what's really going on during my day? Even if I am fine, I can reply with a little more detail and be more personable. I can then ask them how they are and prompt them to be open and honest with me too.

Some people have realized this "I'm fine" lie. Once these people hear, they smile and say, "Ok. How are you really?" This used to bother me, but now I see it in another light. This person cares enough about me that they really want to know what I'm thinking or what I'm going through. It's not just words we say as we're passing by. It's not just a phrase to use to pass the time. This is an intentional relationship.

So think about what you might say next time someone asks how you are. Think about how you might reply when someone tells you they are fine. If you dig a littler deeper, you may find that "I'm fine" was really not what they meant to say at all.